


Burning Stars

by sophieofwinterfell



Series: A Collection of Firsts [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blackinnon Week 2020, F/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), blackinnon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25332169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophieofwinterfell/pseuds/sophieofwinterfell
Summary: Sirius had compared them to stars, hadn’t he? Well, they certainly were bright and chaotic stars. She could only hope they wouldn’t burn out.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon & James Potter, Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Series: A Collection of Firsts [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827946
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Burning Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Happy Day 5 of Blackinnon week: “First time saying I love you”. I couldn’t finish the prompt for day 4, so maybe I’ll upload it in the future.
> 
> As always, thank you for the kudos and comments!!!

**Burning Stars**

Marlene thought she had seen everything.

After Lily had hexed Snape in front of the whole school because he had tried to jinx James’ broomstick during the Gryffindor vs Slytherin match (almost hurting him fatally in the process), only to ran towards the Captain straight afterwards and kiss him passionately for everyone to see  _ after _ she’d made sure he was okay, Marlene thought nothing else could surprise her.

In matters of the heart, at least.

But then, Dorcas and Remus, after years of convincing themselves nothing could ever happen because they were both too dramatic to allow themselves to be happy, had got together. Marlene still wasn’t too sure how  _ that _ had exactly come to happen, because Dorcas was a very reserved person and Remus was too much of a gentleman to divulge anything (even to the boys, whom she’d asked endlessly about), but they were together at last, and most importantly, happy.

Love was a tricky thing — she had seen it only a handful of times. She hadn’t grown up  _ absolutely _ surrounded by it, that was for certain. Her parents’ marriage had been arranged and while they had seemed to respect one another, that could hardly be called  _ love.  _ Her eldest sister Mallory had got married too, but she wasn’t exactly  _ in love _ either. Her brother Matt had to abandon them to find it with someone completely foreign to their world.

If she actually thought about it, she had only said  _ I love you _ to her mother and her sister Margaret. Once, Lily had told her she loved her and she’d said  _ I love you too.  _ James told her he loved her like a sister often, and if she was feeling particularly vulnerable she’d reply with a:  _ me too, Jamie.  _ But that was it — not even her father had earned such words from her, and boys she’d been with much less. 

So, she  _ really  _ shouldn’t have been surprised by the inconsistency of people’s actions and characters regarding feelings and love—after all, she wasn’t an expert by any means. It seemed to make everyone crazy and unpredictable, and to act in unrecognisable ways she still couldn’t entirely grasp. And while she  _ knew _ what it was like to be in love (unfortunately), she had always considered herself above such impulses, even if she  _ was _ a rather impulsive person.

In conclusion, she was disappointed in herself because she should have known better — she should have been more  _ humble _ and not assume she was above acting ridiculous as well. But as she watched Emmeline Vance, out of all people, giggling stupidly because Sirius Black was whispering in her ear whatever empty and stupid things he told girls to seduce them, Marlene was  _ surprised _ to be hit with the realisation that the sudden murderous instinct that had invaded her meant she was  _ jealous _ .

Marlene was jealous of Emmeline Vance, a girl she had  _ detested _ since she had first met her in the Hogwarts Express. She had been a stuck-up bitch even at that age, brushing off Lily and making her feel unwelcome once she had found out she was a Muggleborn… The girl had grown up since then and had even made amends with Lily, but while her best friend could always see the best in people and let go of things, Marlene had always been one to hold a grudge. Especially to someone who was making Sirius Black smirk like that.

That was  _ her  _ smirk, and Marlene hated how  _ oppressed _ her heart felt at the sight of him giving it to someone else… someone he  _ knew _ she couldn’t stand.

She knew she didn’t have a right to feel like this. Her rational part wasn’t as buried as to make her believe otherwise, but that didn’t mean another, bigger part of her was feeling somehow betrayed, even if she and Sirius had known from the very start the terms of their agreement. After all, neither of them were made for exclusive and deep relationships; they were both too fucked up for that — but maybe that was why Marlene had always worked better with him than with anyone else, and had thought they had something  _ different _ .

“I can go and hex his balls,” James’ voice made her snap out of her thoughts, and Marlene looked to where he was, spread on the couch with his head resting on Lily’s lap. “You only need to ask.”

“Why would you do that to your best friend?” Marlene said, too tired to pretend she didn’t know what he was talking about. She had admitted to herself she was in love with him long ago, and James knew her well enough to have figured it out as well.

“Because he’s being an  _ immense _ tosser right now,” he replied simply, taking a sip of his butterbeer. “And you’re my sister. I  _ warned  _ him about this.”

Marlene snorted. “You  _ warned  _ him? Calm down,  _ Vito Corleone _ . I don’t need you to avenge my honour, and I can go and curse his balls off myself, thank you very much.”

“No one doubts that, Marls,” Lily said, with her kind, understanding smile. “He’s just offering his services the way  _ I  _ am.”

At that, she smiled. “You want to curse him too, Red? For me?”

“You know I would… although, I would try to talk to him first,” she added, thoughtfully. “I’m intrigued as to what happened, because he’s been behaving so well. Something must have ticked him off…”

“Nothing happened, Lily,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes. “He’s just being himself. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t know about the others either.”

“The others?” James frowned, sitting up, as if personally offended. “What others?”

“The other girls he’s hooked up with,” she explained, slowly, as if he was dumb. Which, honestly, he kind of was acting like one… didn’t he know his best friend  _ at all _ ? “We have never been exclusive, James. We aren’t in a relationship, and we can be with whoever we want… I just… Well, I just would appreciate a little bit of  _ prolixity.” _

Sirius Black was very well-known for being with lots of girls, at the same time. It was a fact everyone was aware of, and he left it very clear to each one of those girls, even if some still believed they could make him change… Marlene didn’t want to change him, not really. He wasn’t a bad guy at all; in fact, he was more decent and treated her better than any of the other assholes she had been with, but did he have to do his things right in front of her?

He’d always been so careful and respectful, up until then. Perhaps Lily was right, after all, and something had happened.

Or he had simply got bored of her. He wouldn’t be the first one.

“Marley,” James began, incredulously and yet seriously. “You’re wrong. He hasn’t been with—”

“Jamie, I’m a big girl,” Marlene laughed, putting up her usual façade. “You don’t have to cover for him. It’s fine, really.”

“No, listen—”

But Marlene was already getting up from the loveseat and finishing her own butterbeer in one take. She threw the bottle away and stole the one in James’ hands with a smirk, feeling a sudden rush going up her head as she stumbled a bit. But she still wasn’t drunk — she could handle much more than that, so she took another gulp of James’ butterbeer.

“I’ll go get some fun of my own,” she smirked, mischievously.

“Marls, why don’t you just talk—” Lily tried, but before she could even finish that sentence, Marlene was gone and looking around the common room already, deciding who could be hot enough to make her forget about Sirius Black for a while.

Gryffindor had won the semi-final against Hufflepuff, earning their place at the Quidditch Final and making them almost winners of the Cup, so everyone was celebrating. There were people from other houses, even Hufflepuffs who couldn’t care less about Quidditch, so Marlene had plenty of choices even if, deep inside, she knew no one would compare.

Caradoc Dearborn, a tall, handsome guy with dark hair and green eyes caught her eye. He was a Ravenclaw from her year, who she knew from way before Hogwarts, because his father was very good friends with hers. He’d tried to score with her once before but she hadn’t given him a chance, and he was too proud and arrogant of a guy to try again, which had been one of the reasons she had rejected him in the first place.

But if Sirius could stomach Emmeline Vance, she could put up with Dearborn. As long as he didn’t say much, he would do — he  _ was _ hot, after all.

Finishing James’ beer, she went over to him, overdoing her hips’ movement and plastering a flirty smile on her face.

“Hey you.”

“Marlene,” he greeted her, trying to hide his surprise, but she saw it anyway, which gave her the confidence everything would work out in her favour. “Congratulations on the victory. You played well.”

She had played fantastically, even better than James and Jordan, the other Chaser, but she didn’t correct him.

“Thank you. I’m surprised you’ve noticed.” She smiled again and went closer, stealing yet another butterbeer bottle, but this time from his hands. He seemed surprised by her attitude too, but also entertained. “I didn’t have you as a big Quidditch fan.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, you’re here, aren’t you?” she said, cheekily. “And it’s  _ you _ we’ll be winning against next time.”

Dearborn chuckled. “Pretty confident, aren’t you?”

“Just stating facts,” she shrugged, although a small smirk was dancing on her lips, which only grew bigger when she noticed his eyes roaming around her frame. “Like what you see?” she asked, startling him.

But, unlike some others would have done, he didn’t blush or look apologetic. He smiled, and that won him a few points. At least he wasn’t a hypocrite.

“Not one to beat around the bush, uh, love?”

“What’s the point when I know what I want?”

“And that’s me?”

He looked quite smug about it, and she had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. Instead, she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips on his.

***

Out of all the people that had to found them,  _ of course _ , McGonagall had to be the one. Honestly, at that point, Marlene wasn’t even the least surprised, seeing how shitty her night was proving to be. The only good thing had been that they hadn’t been caught in the act itself, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been embarrassing to be found in her underwear by the Head of her house. Caradoc had been no help either, with his “we weren’t doing anything!” nonsense, because he had been in his underwear too, and McGonagall was certainly not stupid.

So, Marlene finished her night walking to the Gryffindor common room on her own, with a week's worth of detention, the memory of McGonagall’s disappointed face, and with her heart still feeling stupidly sick. And the worst part was that she hadn’t even got laid.

Marlene stood in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait, feeling tired and frustrated, unable to make herself go inside. The party was  _ still  _ going, she knew because she could hear it even from the hallway, and she didn’t feel like having to deal with her friends’ pity looks and the sight of Sirius and Emmeline snogging — or worse.

“Are you going to say the password or not?” the woman in the portrait snapped.

Marlene glared at her. “Fuck off,” she snapped, making her gasp in outrage.

She turned around and walked away. She wandered around the castle aimlessly for a long time, not really paying attention to where she was going but being mindful of not bumping into any teacher, especially McGonagall, again. After a while, she found herself at the Astronomy tower and, even though it was a cliché spot and Marlene was a bit sick of it, she still was fond of it; especially at a night like that — one of the reasons they had won the game was because of the good visibility of the day, and the sky still remained clear then, full of stars and constellations.

Masochistically, Marlene approached one of the telescopes and searched for the Canis Major — it wasn’t hard to find, and  _ Sirius  _ was scorching as bright as ever that night.

“Prat,” she muttered, angrily, looking away.

She turned, ready to leave, only to find a pair of gray eyes across the room, shining as strongly as the star whose name he carried. She jumped, startled by his presence, because she hadn’t seen him when she’d walked in, and his posture seemed to indicate he had been there longer than she had, as he was sitting on top of a desk, his back leaning against the wall, with a cigarette already almost consumed between his fingers.

The room was dark, only illuminated by the moon and the stars from outside, but she could see him perfectly, and she hated how  _ beautiful _ he looked just sitting there, smoking as if he couldn’t care less if he was caught — which she knew he didn’t. His hair fell on his forehead, covering a bit of his left eye, while a bruise was forming on his cheek, a product of a bludger he’d had to bat away from her that day at the game.

“This place is taken, McKinnon,” he said in that mocking, arrogant tone of his, but that somehow seemed a little off. “If you want to fuck Dearborn, do it somewhere else.”

Marlene’s eyebrows went so high that almost reached her hairline.

_ He has some nerve… _

“Excuse me?” she seethed.

“You heard me,” he shrugged, taking a drag of his cigarette. “This place is taken.”

“Oh? But I don’t see Vance anywhere,” she bit back, with a sweet, fake smile. “Maybe  _ you _ could leave. This place is used for more recreational activities, after all. If you want to smoke, you can do it literally anywhere else.”

Now, Sirius Black was  _ impulsive _ and it didn’t take much to make him react, but she certainly hadn’t expected him to jump off the desk as quickly as he did, and get so close to her that she could practically see smoke coming off his ears because of how  _ mad _ he was. His expression was a snarl, and his eyes were  _ fuming _ .

“Where is  _ he _ ?” he hissed, furiously. “Because I don’t see him either. Have you finished with him already? Or he wasn’t as good as Fenwick?”

At that, Marlene’s growing irritation was abruptly replaced by confusion. The mention of Benjy Fenwick was so random and unexpected, especially because of the accusatory and hateful tone it had been thrown out with, that it made her take a step back and take a good look at him.

He was still wearing his Quidditch uniform, except he had put that iconic black leather jacket of his on top of it. He had bags under his eyes, which she hadn’t noticed before, and she could still smell the smoke and alcohol even if she had drawn slightly away.

“As good as Benjy?” Marlene echoed, bewildered. “What the fuck? Since when Benjy—”

“He must be really good,” he continued, oblivious to what she’d said. “You disappear with Dearborn and now you come here alone? Was he really that disappointing?”

“Black,” she frowned, her tone stronger. “What the fuck are you on about?”

“I’m just saying,” he shrugged, pulling the careless, superiority card. His smile was taunting, cruel and horrible. She’d only seen him talking like that to people he hated. “Me, Dearborn… and who knows who else… He must be really good in bed if you keep going back to him.”

“Going back to him?!” she cried out, the anger coming back. She absolutely  _ hated _ the way he was acting. “When did I go back to Benjy?!”

Sirius let out a laugh, but it sounded hollow. “Please, McKinnon. You don’t have to lie to me… it’s just the way we are. Out of all people, you know I won’t be the one to judge you.”

His words went through her like burning, poisonous knives and they cut her open. She couldn’t even keep her composure to hide how much they hurt her. She felt something hot and wet blurring her vision and she realised, in shock, that tears were pooling in her eyes.

She refused to let them fall, though.

“Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing right now?” she whispered, her voice weak but cold.

Sirius backed down at her reaction and for the first time that night, he actually took the time to give her a proper look. When his eyes found hers and he noticed the tears, his whole body deflated like a balloon; his shoulders fell, his fists unclenched and his expression softened. His eyes, his striking gray eyes were stormier than ever, though.

“I’m not judging you,” he repeated, and this time, it sounded like he meant it. He clearly realised the effect his words had had, and how unfair they had been. “You can sleep with whoever you want.”

“Oh, really? Because it sounded like I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what the fuck did you mean?” she yelled, taking a step closer and pushing him further away, even if they weren’t even touching. “Why the fuck are you so mad at me?”

Sirius let her, but gritted his teeth and looked away. “I’m not—I’m not mad at you.”

“Then why are you attacking me?” she insisted, still seeing red. “Is it Dearborn? Is it because he’s a pureblood? You think I’m turning into one of them or what?”

“Merlin, no. I don’t give a fuck if he’s a pureblood or not — I mean, he  _ is _ kind of an asshole, but—”

“You’re one to talk.”

“I’m not—”

“Why did you bring Benjy up?” she demanded, narrowing her eyes. “You already knew he and I used to be fuck buddies. Why do you suddenly care about it?”

“BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM!” Sirius shouted, and it was as if those words had been choking him for a while, because it came out rough and hurtful.

Marlene wouldn’t have expected that plot twist in a million years. She blinked stupidly at him several times, doubting for a moment if she had heard him right. But there he was — in front of her, breathing heavily, with his shoulders tense, and his face contracted in an expression of deep betrayal and shame.

“What…” she began, her anger deflating; her voice was thin. “What are you even talking about, Sirius?”

The use of his name indicated she was being grave, because hardly ever did they call each other that. It just didn’t fit in their dynamic.

“You could have just told me,” was his answer in a sigh, as if he couldn’t believe he was saying that much, even if Marlene still didn’t understand. “I know we don’t talk about what we do but—I mean, if what you feel for Fenwick is…  _ different _ , then—”

“Sirius, I don’t love Benjy Fenwick,” she interrupted him, because it was clearly costing him a great deal to articulate whatever nonsense he was saying and she wanted to put him out of his misery, especially when he was  _ so damn wrong _ . “I don’t know where you got that idea.”

A moment of silence followed her words, in which Sirius simply stared at her, as if wanting to determine whether she was lying or not. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“We don’t  _ lie _ to each other, Black,” she said, in an obvious tone. “We agreed on that. And even if I wanted to, I think you would see right through me, just like I see right through you.”

“He was talking about you,” he blurted out, after a while, more relaxed. “During Defence. He was telling Prewett you two—” he couldn’t even finish that sentence, and sighed, as if angry because of that. “And then, I heard you talking about him, with the girls. You were saying it was different when you were with him”

Marlene frowned. “I don’t know what shit Benjy has been saying, but we haven’t fucked since sixth year,” she told him. “And I don’t really know what you heard me telling the girls, but I certainly wasn’t talking about  _ him _ .”

Another silence from his part and this time, as he processed her words, Marlene saw the change they had on him. Away went the mistrustful and pained look in his eyes, and the warmth she had grown so used to see directed at her was back.

“You were talking about Dearborn, then?” Sirius asked, although not even  _ him _ believed in that question.

Marlene rolled her eyes again. “Of course not. We didn’t even— McGonagall caught us before anything happened,” she confessed, and cringed, because as embarrassing as that had been, she was partly glad it hadn’t escalated to anything more.

Sirius smiled then. He didn’t even try to hide it or pull his superiority attitude — he  _ plainly  _ smiled; big and  _ pleased _ .

“I really love that woman.”

“She’s a cockblocker.”

“Don’t talk about my future wife like that, McKinnon.”

“Please, McGonagall is way out of your league.”

They both grinned at each other, the teasing and complicity back, just like that. However, something was still nagging Marlene’s mind and she couldn’t help but let it out.

“What about Vance?” she inquired, as neutrally as she could. “Did—Have you two been—”

“Nothing happened either,” Sirius answered, simply and clearly. It looked like the girl would have slipped his mind completely if it weren’t for Marlene bringing her up. “I blew her off.”

At that, it was her turn to outline a big smile, leaving all pretenses aside.

“Wait,” she said, something occurring to her. Her eyes widened, incredulously. “You were chatting her up out of spite? Because you thought I had been with Benjy?”

Sirius shrugged, trying to downplay it, but Marlene started laughing so loudly (and with such relief) that it made him frown.

“I was mad,” he excused himself, offended. “I haven’t been with anyone but you for months and then that twat said—”

“What?” she slipped out, this time freezing on her spot, looking at him in shock. Her heart started beating violently against her ribcage, making her head feel like it was about to explode. “You have been only with me this whole time?”

Sirius shrugged again, although there was a certain  _ vulnerability _ in his expression. “In my defense, you don’t leave me much free time, McKinnon,” he replied with a devious smirk.

“I’m not the only  _ insatiable  _ one here, Black,” she huffed, although the smile on her face couldn’t be erased from her face. “By the way, Benjy hates you. And he knows we’ve been together for quite some time now. You shouldn’t believe anything he says.”

His eyes narrowed dangerously at that and while Marlene was definitely not his biggest fan at the moment, she felt sorry for Benjy, because she knew that look in Sirius’ eyes, and she wouldn’t like to be on Benjy’s shoes when he went for him.

Well, he wouldn’t be able to, if she got there first. What a wanker.

“So you went to Dearborn out of spite too?” Sirius asked her, with a grin. “Because you saw me with Emmeline?” Marlene looked away, not wanting to answer that, but he understood either way. “So… the guy you were talking to the girls about—”

“Let’s not go there, Black,” she warned him. “It’s a banned territory.”

Sirius took two big steps towards her, closing the distance between them. He didn’t touch her, but his face was so near that their noses brushed and his breath crashed against her face, intoxicating her. Marlene inevitably arched her body towards his, their chests pressing together.

“Just tell me if it’s me,” he whispered, his eyes burning with such intensity that she felt like a candle melting under his fire. “Is it?”

“You already know the answer.”

“I want to hear it from you, McKinnon.”

“Why does it matter?” she protested, though it was weak.

Sirius growled in frustration, pressing his forehead on hers and cupping her cheeks. “Because it’s different for me too,” he breathed out. “I—I—Merlin, McKinnon! You and I… we have always been…” his sentence went up in the air.

“A mess?” she offered with a smirk, although she was melting more and more against him. Sirius huffed and opened his eyes.

“Yeah, but also more than that,” he replied. Marlene arched her eyebrows, not knowing whether he was pulling her leg or being sincere. “We… we  _ connect.  _ Maybe it’s because of our names.”

“Our names?”

“You don’t know what your name means?”

“Yeah, it’s an hebrew variation of Magdalene,” she replied with a laugh, because everything was so chaotic… but then again, so were they, and she wouldn’t have changed anything for the world. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“I thought it appropriate,” he shrugged, sliding his hands down her body to rest them on her waist. “We are in the Astronomy tower.”

“So?”

“You really don’t know what your name means? In English, I mean.” She frowned in confusion, shaking her head, and he grinned. “‘Star from the sea’, McKinnon. That’s what it means. And mine means—”

“Star of the sky,” she finished for him, narrowing her eyes. “Are you sure you aren’t making this up to get into my pants after how royally you fucked up?”

“You wound me,” he gasped, dramatically. “I’m just trying to bring some culture into our relationship.”

“Relationship,” she echoed in a scoff, with a smirk. “Merlin, Black. You’re on a roll today. How much did you drink?”

“Not enough to not be aware of what I’m saying.”

“And what are you saying?”

“That we’re meant to be, McKinnon.”

“Is that your way of telling me that you…  _ care _ about me?”

“It’s more than that, and you know it. You  _ must  _ know it,” he insisted, seriously. “You get me like nobody else does.”

_ I love you, _ he was saying.

“I do,” she admitted. “And I—I—”

_ I love you too,  _ she was saying back.

“I know.  _ Now _ I know.”

They smiled at each other, widely and foolishly. They had said nothing, and yet had confessed everything. She was sure that if Lily and James would have listened to their conversation, she would have been pulling at her red hair in frustration at their emotional constipation, and he would have been rolling his eyes non-stop at how cheesy they still had managed to be. 

Sirius had compared them to stars, hadn’t he? Well, they certainly were bright and chaotic stars. She could only hope they wouldn’t burn out.

But Marlene was happy; she was happier than she had ever been, in fact, and didn’t need any other words from him to understand that he loved her just as much as she loved him.

Maybe, some day, they would actually say it to each other out loud, use the exact words… But right then, they didn’t need to, because they knew.

And it was more than enough.

  
  
  



End file.
